I do not want to read your menu in PDF.

I’d like to see what you offer. I want a sense of the price range. I need to know if there’s anything for my kosher/vegetarian/glutard friend. I don’t wish to be surprised by a sudden download, to wait for the opening of a new program on my computer, to save and attach it to an email in order to share it with my dining companion. Nor do I care if it looks better or is easier for you.

I’m not building an archive here; I’m just hungry. It’s time to 86 the PDFs.

Signed,
The Unhappy Mediator

If you’re looking for pics of chicks pissing on the internet, you’re a perv. But if you’re looking for stock photography of chicks pissing on the internet it adds an element of legitimacy that I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around. Is there such a big market for these images that it comes up as the most popular theme-specific stock photo search on Google? Or are web porn trawlers finally upping their standards of micturition pictures?

Are you trying to look up something about this fine American city, but are unfamiliar with the proper spelling? Then you’re probably gross.

While I don’t particularly like being upsold on a rental car when booking a flight (or an extra-leg-room-seat, or other bullshit perks that make buying a plane ticket online take five times as long as it should), I do kind of appreciate the blatant way Spirit goes about doing it.

The next page, incidentally, was http://www.spirit.com/make-em-pay-for-a-ticket-then-again-for-a-seat-assignment-then-again-for-even-thinking-about-bringing-a-carry-on-and once-more-to-ensure-the-plane-both-takes-off-and-lands. After that, it was just http://www.spirit.com/sucks.

[Thanks, Slo]

If you ever find yourself typing #theatershooting, stop and ask yourself: “Do I really need to be writing this?”

What happened at the midnight Dark Knight Rises showing in Aurora, CO was horrendous and sad. But you don’t need me to tell you that. You know what else you don’t need to hear? Twitter commentary from actors and hacks.

The Huffington Post, however, has a story and slideshow dedicated to just that. You’re great, John Stamos, but I don’t give a fuck what you have to say about the shooting. Hailey Glassman? I don’t know who you are: Shut up.

Far be it from me to expect editorial discretion from HuffPo, or any kind of discretion from Hollywood personalities. But just because the attack took place at a movie doesn’t make this an issue for celebrity punditry. Yes, Barack Obama should be expected to comment. Ryan Seacrest, however vital he thinks himself to be in the national consciousness, does not need to say anything. Restraint can speak louder than comment.

I know I’m asking too much. I’ll ask anyway. Won’t someone, anyone, please, just shut the fuck up?

If you forget to use commas (or are the unfortunate subject of a cover story edited by Cro-Magnons), snide bloggers will tell the world that you like to eat your family and your dog. An embarrassment no matter how expertly prepared the meal.

Fair enough. But god help me, the comments. Really, guys, blodes prefer gentlemen.

Quoth the bro: “I don’t know exactly what to make of this, but let’s just hope the age of the internet comment is coming to an end.”

Personally, I choose Oblivion.

Topic: Phones and Accessories
Subtopic: Phone is Not Working [sic creative capitalization]

…and was presented with this:

While there’s little I can tolerate less than bad customer service—perhaps the most valuable business tool there is and the easiest to way to get and maintain customer loyalty—I find the meta-irony of these instructions endlessly amusing.

Thank you, Verizon, the aloof, elusive hipster of wireless communication.

So in case you missed it, Earth Day was this past Sunday, April 22. I didn’t plant a tree, or turn off my lights, or make a statue out of compost. You might say, the nearest I got to observing Earth Day was by  being on Earth and knowing that it was daytime.

At least Earth Day is, like, a thing. It turns out there are dozens, maybe hundreds of “Days” every year that I didn’t realize I was ignoring. Here is just a brief list of them, as determined by PR email pitches I’ve received over the past month or so:

• March 14: Pi Day (OK, disclaimer, I knew about this one. But I’m a huge nerd.)
• March 22: World Water Day
• April: Sexual Assault Awareness Month
  and Oral Cancer Awareness Month
  and National Minority Health Month
• April 4: National Walking Day
• May 8: My personal favorite, Animal Disaster Preparedness Day
  “The National Association of Professional Pet Sitters (NAPPS), is raising awareness about the importance of comprehensive plans and emergency preparedness to ensure the safety of pets during natural disasters. The NAPPS Emergency Planning Committee has provided a 19-page emergency planning guide that includes specific recommendations for monitoring and coping with tornadoes, thunderstorms, hurricanes, floods, winter storms, extreme heat, wildfires, earthquakes, tsunamis and volcanoes.”

What vital causes will we  ignore tomorrow?

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