Google Game: Sugar

Riding high on Halloween candy — that I purchased for half-price at the drug store yesterday — and finding that my yen for sugar is virtually insatiable, I endeavored to sate it virtually.

I was a surprised to find a dearth of literally-sugar-related material, though these adorable little sugar gliders helped satisfy my searching’s sweet tooth:

Seriously. How cute are we?

Then hit a twinge of sour, however, as I was reminded of how many of my countrymen love country music. And Sugar Ray.

Most everything else in Google’s suggestions looked somewhat familiar. Except sugardoodle, aka SugarDoodle.com. So I took a gander. The site’s header says, “Growing Together [est. 2005].” I scrolled down the page, not understanding what I was looking at, and found an old school visitors counter: 24,757,355. Nearly 25 million in under five years. Not bad. But what is it all about? I read a bit more, a bit here a bit there, and I started to find answers… from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

Sugar Doodle is absolutely packed with stuff. Packed, and fairly unnavigable. So rather than navigating, I just closed my eyes and clicked. I ended up in the “topics” section, under the letter P. Plan of Salvation, Plural marriage/Polygamy, Pornography, Prayer.

I learned that the Church’s fourth prophet-slash-apostle-slash-president officially declared polygamy a Mormon no-no way back in 1890. He didn’t say why, exactly, man on woman on woman on woman action was taboo, but perhaps there’s some extrapolation to be made from SugarDoodle’s definition of pornography:

Legal, academic, and other definitions of pornography vary widely, but in a practical sense, pornography is any visual or written medium created with the intent to sexually stimulate. If the work was not intended to stimulate but nevertheless causes sexual arousal in an individual, it constitutes pornography for that person.

If you find yourself asking whether a work is pornographic, the question itself suggests the material makes you uncomfortable. That should be enough to tell you to avoid it.

Unfortunately, if you approach your LDS priest to find out about pornography, or to learn how to resist its temptation, you might find yourself more confused — or hornier — than you were before. Quoth Gordon B. Hinckley, President until 2008, “Let any who may be in the grip of this vise [sic.] get upon their knees in the privacy of their closet and plead with the Lord for help to free them from this evil monster. Otherwise, this vicious stain will continue through life and even into eternity.” [Emphasis added — as if it were necessary.]

Of course, if you can’t get to the church, you can keep reminders around the house. Like this poster, for instance. [Emphasis added — as if it were necessary.]:

Need more? Print out this parody label and glue it onto a can in your pantry. Then read it over every time you’ve got a hankering for piety.

Regrettios. Ingredients include “many PG-13 movies,” “less than desirable music” (see above) and “language heard throughout school hallways.” Also provides “obscure sense of God” and “increased authority of body over mind” (see above).

You know, a can of regrets might be just what my kitchen needs. It’ll be the perfect place for those three pounds of slightly stale candy corn. Mmmmmm, regretful.