Category Archives: Shoot the Messenger

Marketing and advertising.

URL It Like It Is

While I don’t particularly like being upsold on a rental car when booking a flight (or an extra-leg-room-seat, or other bullshit perks that make buying a plane ticket online take five times as long as it should), I do kind of appreciate the blatant way Spirit goes about doing it.

The next page, incidentally, was once-more-to-ensure-the-plane-both-takes-off-and-lands. After that, it was just

[Thanks, Slo]

Phone troubles? Call now!

I tried to email Verizon through the wireless website about a problem with my LG POS. I selected my topic from the drop down menu…

Topic: Phones and Accessories
Subtopic: Phone is Not Working [sic creative capitalization]

…and was presented with this:

While there’s little I can tolerate less than bad customer service—perhaps the most valuable business tool there is and the easiest to way to get and maintain customer loyalty—I find the meta-irony of these instructions endlessly amusing.

Thank you, Verizon, the aloof, elusive hipster of wireless communication.

Happy Melanoma Monday

What? You didn’t know it was Melanoma Monday? Well it is. It’s motherfucking Melanoma Monday. So stay inside! And please add this to the running list.

Every Day is a Special Day

So in case you missed it, Earth Day was this past Sunday, April 22. I didn’t plant a tree, or turn off my lights, or make a statue out of compost. You might say, the nearest I got to observing Earth Day was by  being on Earth and knowing that it was daytime.

At least Earth Day is, like, a thing. It turns out there are dozens, maybe hundreds of “Days” every year that I didn’t realize I was ignoring. Here is just a brief list of them, as determined by PR email pitches I’ve received over the past month or so:

  • March 14: Pi Day (OK, disclaimer, I knew about this one. But I’m a huge nerd.)
  • March 22: World Water Day
  • April: Sexual Assault Awareness Month
    and Oral Cancer Awareness Month
    and National Minority Health Month
  • April 4: National Walking Day
  • May 8: My personal favorite, Animal Disaster Preparedness Day
    “The National Association of Professional Pet Sitters (NAPPS), is raising awareness about the importance of comprehensive plans and emergency preparedness to ensure the safety of pets during natural disasters. The NAPPS Emergency Planning Committee has provided a 19-page emergency planning guide that includes specific recommendations for monitoring and coping with tornadoes, thunderstorms, hurricanes, floods, winter storms, extreme heat, wildfires, earthquakes, tsunamis and volcanoes.”

What vital causes will we  ignore tomorrow?

Dirty Words

Dispatches from the drugstore. There are some words that simply don’t make me feel cleaner. I’m getting phlegmmy just thinking about it.

Colgate: Are you sure-a-phyll?

Thanks, again, Skeener.

NYC Protests Get Real (Sexy)

While commuters and the news channels were gearing up for Occupy’s subway takeover this afternoon (sayeth the website: “Facing the most brutal assault on our Democracy since 9-11, New Yorkers must once again stand as one!” end quote), another storm was brewing outside the tony office towers of Manhattan’s 6th Avenue.

Protesters lined the street today in front of publishing powerhouse Time & Life, raising placards of dissent and voices in riotous chanting:

Bradley Cooper is just fine but Ryan Gosling is divine!

Following People Magazine’s contentious release of the Sexiest Man of Alive special issue, Ryan Gosling fans gathered to rally against the injustice of those responsible for putting Bradley Cooper, of The Hangover fame, at the top of the list of lust-worthy leading men. Donning Gosling masks, available for printing here, the small but boisterous crowd took a 99%-esque approach to the cause, minus spirit fingers and drums, plus unified message.

And like the Occupiers, the group railed against unfair banking practices. Spank banking practices, that is.

Incongruous Cross-Promotional Banner Ad of the Day

Doris, could you order us some more legal pads, a box of blue Bics and a 16-pound bird? Thanks.

A Plan for Action… I hope it sticks

This is the banner on Adhesive Squares' website. I don't know what "it" is, either.

This morning I received an email press release entitled INCREASE PRODUCTIVITY WITH ADHESIVE SQUARES BRAND ADHESIVES. I’d love to increase productivity, I thought, but how can Adhesive Squares brand adhesives help me? I opened the email and was greeted with a list of solutions provided by Adhesive Squares brand adhesive products. Aha, I see it now. I need to stick stuff to myself. So I made a list of my own. A list of things I could stick to myself to increase my productivity. Here’s what I came up with:

  • Those bills I’ve neglected and that contract I forgot to sign. Apparently acknowledgment is not a sufficient substitute for payment or signature. And that pile on my floor is not an effective “Outgoing” box.
  • My laundry. This one could be tricky (it’s really been a while and that bag is heavy). Fortunately, according to the email, the company will work with me to “create the right solution for [my] unique application … Adhesive Squares™ brand adhesives allows the customer to retain their own adhesive goals.” And what goals I have! They go on: “whether bonding foams, fabrics, or fibers to any substrate* we make them compatible.”
    *substrate = me
  • A dated sign up sheet. That way people can book me for blocks of time and see what hours I have available. This should reduce scheduling mishaps due to:
    • my own ineptitude
    • my tendency to commit to something til it’s done, whether or not I reasonably have time to complete it
    • people’s sheer disinterest in the value of my time (This is wishful thinking. Also, the value of my time varies widely depending on who’s paying)
  • A pencil (see above)
  • One of those fake clocks that one might see hanging in the window of a hardware store that says “Will return at…”
  • Snacks

Here’s hoping that my Adhesive Squares brand adhesives plan for productivity improvement works. Next week we’ll look at where everyone else can stick it.

OnStar: Deploying Windbags

The Unhappy Mediator is really disappointed by our collective priorities.


Related: Facebook Status Reveals Humanity’s Descent Down (Storm) Drain

Character Assassination: The State Farm Guy

In this first edition of Character Assassination, allow me to present The State Farm Guy:

I don’t know what it is about him that makes me dislike him so. He’s just so… smarmy. He makes me squirm.

I know I’m not alone. Ask Google. Or the facebook. Meet I Hate The State Farm Guy, with over 2,500 friends:

(I’d steer clear of George Jungle. Yikes.)

I can’t decide whom I hate more, him or the esurance chick. But I fear my bitterness toward that pink haired floozy could be tinged with jealousy. My antipathy toward him is at least pure. What it is about insurance companies that their marketing campaigns are so likely to be divisive? Do you know anyone who’s moderate on Flo, the Progressive rep? I guess we wouldn’t pay attention to insurance commercials otherwise. Are admen that smart?