OPEN LETTER TO: Restaurants and whoever runs their websites

Dear Restaurants and whoever runs their websites,

I do not want to read your menu in PDF.

I’d like to see what you offer. I want a sense of the price range. I need to know if there’s anything for my kosher/vegetarian/glutard friend. I don’t wish to be surprised by a sudden download, to wait for the opening of a new program on my computer, to save and attach it to an email in order to share it with my dining companion. Nor do I care if it looks better or is easier for you.

I’m not building an archive here; I’m just hungry. It’s time to 86 the PDFs.

The Unhappy Mediator

Google Game: Stock Photo Edition


If you’re looking for pics of chicks pissing on the internet, you’re a perv. But if you’re looking for stock photography of chicks pissing on the internet it adds an element of legitimacy that I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around. Is there such a big market for these images that it comes up as the most popular theme-specific stock photo search on Google? Or are web porn trawlers finally upping their standards of micturition pictures?

Google Game: Gettin’ Nasty in the ‘Nati

Do you know how to spell Cincinnati when you type it into the Google search bar? If so you’re probably interested in finding out about the Reds or the Bengals, or you’re looking to read a story in the Cincinnati Enquirer.

Are you trying to look up something about this fine American city, but are unfamiliar with the proper spelling? Then you’re probably gross.

URL It Like It Is

While I don’t particularly like being upsold on a rental car when booking a flight (or an extra-leg-room-seat, or other bullshit perks that make buying a plane ticket online take five times as long as it should), I do kind of appreciate the blatant way Spirit goes about doing it.

The next page, incidentally, was once-more-to-ensure-the-plane-both-takes-off-and-lands. After that, it was just

[Thanks, Slo]

On the Colorado Dark Knight Shooting: Are You an Actor? Then Shut Up.

If you ever find yourself typing #theatershooting, stop and ask yourself: “Do I really need to be writing this?”

What happened at the midnight Dark Knight Rises showing in Aurora, CO was horrendous and sad. But you don’t need me to tell you that. You know what else you don’t need to hear? Twitter commentary from actors and hacks.

The Huffington Post, however, has a story and slideshow dedicated to just that. You’re great, John Stamos, but I don’t give a fuck what you have to say about the shooting. Hailey Glassman? I don’t know who you are: Shut up.

Far be it from me to expect editorial discretion from HuffPo, or any kind of discretion from Hollywood personalities. But just because the attack took place at a movie doesn’t make this an issue for celebrity punditry. Yes, Barack Obama should be expected to comment. Ryan Seacrest, however vital he thinks himself to be in the national consciousness, does not need to say anything. Restraint can speak louder than comment.

I know I’m asking too much. I’ll ask anyway. Won’t someone, anyone, please, just shut the fuck up?

Only Cannibals Don’t Use Commas

If you forget to use commas (or are the unfortunate subject of a cover story edited by Cro-Magnons), snide bloggers will tell the world that you like to eat your family and your dog. An embarrassment no matter how expertly prepared the meal.

So This Is What I’m Missing on Facebook

Thanks to my little bro for sending me this golden nugget from the New York Knicks’ facebook page. He tells me that the admin posted the picture below with the caption “Browse through the Knicks City Dancers Auditions gallery from this past weekend. Over 500 dancers graced The Sports Center at Chelsea Piers to compete for a spot on the 2012-13 squad.”

Fair enough. But god help me, the comments. Really, guys, blodes prefer gentlemen.

Quoth the bro: “I don’t know exactly what to make of this, but let’s just hope the age of the internet comment is coming to an end.”

Personally, I choose Oblivion.