If you forget to use commas (or are the unfortunate subject of a cover story edited by Cro-Magnons), snide bloggers will tell the world that you like to eat your family and your dog. An embarrassment no matter how expertly prepared the meal.
Thanks to my little bro for sending me this golden nugget from the New York Knicks’ facebook page. He tells me that the admin posted the picture below with the caption “Browse through the Knicks City Dancers Auditions gallery from this past weekend. Over 500 dancers graced The Sports Center at Chelsea Piers to compete for a spot on the 2012-13 squad.”
Fair enough. But god help me, the comments. Really, guys, blodes prefer gentlemen.
Quoth the bro: “I don’t know exactly what to make of this, but let’s just hope the age of the internet comment is coming to an end.”
Personally, I choose Oblivion.
I tried to email Verizon through the wireless website about a problem with my LG POS. I selected my topic from the drop down menu…
Topic: Phones and Accessories
Subtopic: Phone is Not Working [sic creative capitalization]
…and was presented with this:
While there’s little I can tolerate less than bad customer service—perhaps the most valuable business tool there is and the easiest to way to get and maintain customer loyalty—I find the meta-irony of these instructions endlessly amusing.
Thank you, Verizon, the aloof, elusive hipster of wireless communication.
What? You didn’t know it was Melanoma Monday? Well it is. It’s motherfucking Melanoma Monday. So stay inside! And please add this to the running list.
So in case you missed it, Earth Day was this past Sunday, April 22. I didn’t plant a tree, or turn off my lights, or make a statue out of compost. You might say, the nearest I got to observing Earth Day was by being on Earth and knowing that it was daytime.
At least Earth Day is, like, a thing. It turns out there are dozens, maybe hundreds of “Days” every year that I didn’t realize I was ignoring. Here is just a brief list of them, as determined by PR email pitches I’ve received over the past month or so:
- March 14: Pi Day (OK, disclaimer, I knew about this one. But I’m a huge nerd.)
- March 22: World Water Day
- April: Sexual Assault Awareness Month
and Oral Cancer Awareness Month
and National Minority Health Month
- April 4: National Walking Day
- May 8: My personal favorite, Animal Disaster Preparedness Day
“The National Association of Professional Pet Sitters (NAPPS), is raising awareness about the importance of comprehensive plans and emergency preparedness to ensure the safety of pets during natural disasters. The NAPPS Emergency Planning Committee has provided a 19-page emergency planning guide that includes specific recommendations for monitoring and coping with tornadoes, thunderstorms, hurricanes, floods, winter storms, extreme heat, wildfires, earthquakes, tsunamis and volcanoes.”
What vital causes will we ignore tomorrow?
Once upon a time in a land right very much like this one, a simple Google search for “Santorum” immediately produced a frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex. (Digitally. I mean– That is– In electronic form.) Then an evil wind blew across the country, its fetid stench putting the good people under a wicked spell that made Rick Santorum look like a viable candidate for President of the United States of America. And in the meantime, the Savage definition of Santorum has fallen in rank on Google’s search results, despite a recent, ahem, surge on the internet.
I’m asking you to do your part by Googling Santorum. Link to it. Email it. Never forget. NEVER FORGET.
Dispatches from the drugstore. There are some words that simply don’t make me feel cleaner. I’m getting phlegmmy just thinking about it.
Colgate: Are you sure-a-phyll?
Thanks, again, Skeener.