This is the banner on Adhesive Squares' website. I don't know what "it" is, either.
This morning I received an email press release entitled INCREASE PRODUCTIVITY WITH ADHESIVE SQUARES BRAND ADHESIVES. I’d love to increase productivity, I thought, but how can Adhesive Squares brand adhesives help me? I opened the email and was greeted with a list of solutions provided by Adhesive Squares brand adhesive products. Aha, I see it now. I need to stick stuff to myself. So I made a list of my own. A list of things I could stick to myself to increase my productivity. Here’s what I came up with:
- Those bills I’ve neglected and that contract I forgot to sign. Apparently acknowledgment is not a sufficient substitute for payment or signature. And that pile on my floor is not an effective “Outgoing” box.
- My laundry. This one could be tricky (it’s really been a while and that bag is heavy). Fortunately, according to the email, the company will work with me to “create the right solution for [my] unique application … Adhesive Squares™ brand adhesives allows the customer to retain their own adhesive goals.” And what goals I have! They go on: “whether bonding foams, fabrics, or fibers to any substrate* we make them compatible.”
*substrate = me
- A dated sign up sheet. That way people can book me for blocks of time and see what hours I have available. This should reduce scheduling mishaps due to:
- my own ineptitude
- my tendency to commit to something til it’s done, whether or not I reasonably have time to complete it
- people’s sheer disinterest in the value of my time (This is wishful thinking. Also, the value of my time varies widely depending on who’s paying)
- A pencil (see above)
- One of those fake clocks that one might see hanging in the window of a hardware store that says “Will return at…”
Here’s hoping that my Adhesive Squares brand adhesives plan for productivity improvement works. Next week we’ll look at where everyone else can stick it.
The Unhappy Mediator is really disappointed by our collective priorities.
Related: Facebook Status Reveals Humanity’s Descent Down (Storm) Drain
In this first edition of Character Assassination, allow me to present The State Farm Guy:
I don’t know what it is about him that makes me dislike him so. He’s just so… smarmy. He makes me squirm.
I know I’m not alone. Ask Google. Or the facebook. Meet I Hate The State Farm Guy, with over 2,500 friends:
(I’d steer clear of George Jungle. Yikes.)
I can’t decide whom I hate more, him or the esurance chick. But I fear my bitterness toward that pink haired floozy could be tinged with jealousy. My antipathy toward him is at least pure. What it is about insurance companies that their marketing campaigns are so likely to be divisive? Do you know anyone who’s moderate on Flo, the Progressive rep? I guess we wouldn’t pay attention to insurance commercials otherwise. Are admen that smart?
This week Starbucks unveiled a new logo in honor of its 40th anniversary. Of course, swarms of passionate frappucistas took to the internets in protest, posting such scathing indictments and moving appeals for a return to tradition as this, from one “sagwilson” on the company’s website:
I am not excited about the new logo. The new logo has to have STARBUCKS on it. It is not the same without the name :(
Not surprisingly, infighting occurred between supporters and insurgents. And as references to other iconic logos came into play, arguments became increasingly more rounded and astute:
16 hours ago (4:46 PM)
In reply to: queenbee1472I would be willing to bet that you are wrong- many of us call it the “swoosh”- and not Jordan’s! My sisters name is Jordan and I don’t call them that!
As brands increase their presence in online spaces and embrace crowdsourcing bs, consumer loyalty is morphing increasingly into consumer entitlement. Starbucks junkies are certainly hoping for, if not expecting, a Gap-like about-face by corporate, though I don’t see it happening this time. For all the ventis, these loudmouth customers don’t seem to have the oomph required.
Alexandra Petri points out on the washingtonpost.com “that worrying about Starbucks’ logo change is sort of a first-world problem — like accidentally buying too many colanders…”
I love McDonalds’s coffee, but I often find myself wishing it were slightly more expensive and tasted less agreeable. It’s not quite the same.
“Can you yell something at me that sounds kind of Italian?” I meekly inquire of the non-barista. “And could you possibly play some songs by an artist who is indie, but not too indie, and whose voice sounds as though it needs oiling?” “No,” she responds. “Can you at least get several aspiring novelists to hiss at me over their laptops whenever I approach a table?” I suggest. “Or just say ‘triple grande no-whip chai doppio latte with a shot of almond’ like you understand what any of those words mean!” “That sounds like something Hamlet would say to Polonius as proof that he had lost control of his faculties,” this hypothetical McDonalds employee responds.
To which our friend trewblue might reply, “My brothers name is Polonius and I hate almond!”
Spotted in Boston at the Fenway Park subway station, a rather ill-advised ad for Chipotle burritos. Too bad the baseball wordplay means nothing, and doesn’t distract from the immediate associations the slogan suggests. Like: CLEAR THE ROOM. Or VOID YOUR BOWELS.
If you can’t read the fine print it says, “For best results, don’t get on the subway directly after eating.”
I don’t like panhandlers. Because they make me feel like a jerk. Because I’m usually too selfish/heartless/lazy/jaded to help them. And anyway, face to face interaction is so outdated. That’s why I like Craig Rowin’s direct but distant digital approach. Plus, when someone asks for an (M)-note instead of a dollar it means that when I say “Sorry, guy, I don’t have it,” I’m not 100% lying. I can pat my pockets all I want. It’s not showing up. Ever.
That gives me an idea for a video.
I know I’ve been delinquent this week. And that this ought to be a Google Game. But this is worth it, I promise.
I was on the phone with Hertz rental car. Well, on hold with Hertz rental car, that is. And an automatic message was explaining to me all the better ways of dealing with Hertz than trying to get them on the phone. I could go online, the voice told me. Or, if I were on a smartphone, I could use their mobile site, by visiting
hertz 2 go.com.
Say that out loud.
Hertz. 2. Go.
I was cracking up when the operator finally came on the line. Where were your marketing people on that one? Freaking hilarious.