Census forms are due today. Did you fill yours out? I did, and for that I can honestly credit the gov’s $133 million marketing campaign. The spending seems exorbitant, but it must have been effective because the ads convinced me send it back, and I’m one of the laziest, least particpatory citizens you’re likely to meet. Unless you take the L train.
According to a report on NPR, the lowest Census return rate comes from our very own Williamsburg, Brooklyn, where residents are, like, above it. Take a listen, because the transcript really doesn’t do the interview between NPR’s Robert Smith and The ‘Burg’s Nate Stark justice (my goodness, all those “like”s!):
Mr. STARK: We still get mail from the past 30 people that have lived there. So it’s like who knows if people are getting these.
SMITH: Well, actually the census knows. These few blocks around Wythe Avenue and 6th Street have about a 36 percent return rate.
Nate Stark has an explanation.
Mr. STARK: I guess it’s laziness and like, what’s the point? When it comes down to it, nobody wants to fill out like another form that’s just like getting sent to your house that really relatively has nothing to do with your life.
SMITH: He thinks the young people just haven’t been given a good enough reason to fill out the census.
Mr. STARK: I mean people would do if they got like five bucks.
SMITH: Five bucks?
Mr. STARK: Yeah. Or if there was like more than just like a piece of paper that’s like you have to do this or you could get in trouble, which no one will get in trouble; that’s why they don’t do it.
From the mouths of, like, total babes, eh? Add idle disobedience to day-glo Ray Bans on the list of this month’s top Bedford trends. See, I freaking told you guys I wasn’t a hipster.
No Happy Medium 
After several warning post cards that the census was on its way, we never received one. We look forward to the degenerate government employee knocking out our door as per the campaign’s alleged promise that everyone will be counted.
“Degenerate government employee”!?!!
WHAT THE!? I’ll have you know that non-response follow-up enumerators are a proud people trying to make sure (in no less than 3 attempts) that you are counted for the purposes of making important, albeit sweeping, generalizations about your community for the next 10 years! From experience, I can tell you that Census-takers are temporary employees who make their own schedule, get paid too much, and make it home in time to have their mom make them lunch before hitting the road again. Less bureaucracy, more grilled cheese!