What can I say about a society in which there are more people online searching for pictures of Justin Bieber than for pictures of Jesus? Just this: Hail progress!
For two thousand years Jesus has ruled the Billboard Icon charts. And what has it gotten us? War, cultural upheaval, genocide, televangelism, Creed. Enough is enough. Let us declare his reign of terror over and install in his place a new boy-ruler. Who better than Justin Bieber? His coif, if not his conception, is immaculate. He fairly floats above the ground as he leads throngs of devoted followers.
And, in a one-up over the messiah, he’ll be out of style long before he hits his early thirties, allowing his disciples to transfer their feverish worship to another false idol before things get too serious.
We have the collective memory of a concussed goldfish and are as imprintable as a flock of retarded ducklings. We transfer our infatuations from celebrity to celebrity on a near-daily basis, yet we hang onto religious fanaticism with a kung-fu grip. It would be safer and easier for everyone if we just treated the Jesuses of the world a little more like the Justin Biebers. Fear not, there’s room for both in Heaven — and on VH1’s I Love the Zeros.