When I started this search I wasn’t prepared for such a striking contrast between issues of great import and cooking marginally exotic vegetables.
I’m certainly no expert on any of this stuff, but I’m pretty sure that for the first and the last queries Step One is the same: Bend over.
No Happy Medium 
Sorry to point out that in my long experience, preparing for most of these contingencies–and many others– can, in one way or another, be accomplished by bending over. Definitely the eggplant.
i like my colonscopies like i like my GREs: long, hard, and painful.
-OR-
i like my broccoli rabe like i like my colonoscopies: raw and in my butt.
-b