Star Rises, Credit Score Hovers, Hope for the Future Plummets

Can’t stand ’em, can’t help by sing along with ’em, want to kill ’em or fuck ’em or both, there’s sadly no denying the thoroughness with which the guys have permeated the pop culture bubble. The latest commercial features faux frontman Eric Violette getting stuck with a crappy cell phone as a result of his crappy credit. I’ll pretend it didn’t occur to me that the slick 80s brick with the Gordon Gekko/Zach Morris pedigree doesn’t appeal to a certain late-twenties-probably-broke-ish demographic. But I barely had time to consider the fact, as I was quickly distracted by how long the singer’s hair has gotten.

Like he thinks he’s some kind of rock star. Like he is some kind of rock star. Oh my god, is this guy some kind of rock star?

  • You recognize his face immediately.
  • You know the lyrics to his songs.
  • You know the order in which those songs were released (more or less).
  • You have strong feelings one way or another about him and them and…

sing along


change the channel…

quickly and quietly


while spitting expletive-laden vitriol about how much you hate these fucking commercials and these fucking songs and that fucking guy.

An iconic singer who compels a whole country to react, and to feel. Rings suspiciously of rock stardom to me. Shudder.

You might be thinking, “Oh please, we can tell the difference between a rock star and some TV-ad hack.” Maybe you can, but think of the children.

For the love of all things holy. For the future of this great nation. Think of the children.

One response to “Star Rises, Credit Score Hovers, Hope for the Future Plummets

  1. no comments on this? really?! in that case, no comment. good article, though. ok, short comment: milli vanilli wishes they had the sort of widespread appeal these superstars have.

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