Google Game: Why can’t I…?

For this week’s game we’re going to take it down in two parts.  The top result doubtless has caught your attention by now, but we’ll return to that shortly. First, let’s tackle the seven items I’ve labeled a-through-g:

a. See (b.)

b. See (e.)

c. See (a.) & (b.)

d. See (c.)

e. See (f.)

f. Rewrite your resume, see (a.)

g. See (f.) & (c.) & (a.)

Now, click through for more on Canadians, and why you can’t have one.

The most common referent for this curious query is this 2002 letter, addressed to conservative talk DJ Laura Schlessinger after some classic Old Testamenty homophobia. Excerpts of the enlightened parody:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them: …

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? …

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? – Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

Do check out the video at the end of the letter. Great scene.

Why can’t I own a Canadian?, that nagging question, also leads us back to an old friend. has a 2009 article of that title, which isn’t nearly as clever, but is much more racist.

2 responses to “Google Game: Why can’t I…?

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