Category Archives: Unhappy Media

Multimedia malaise: TV, movies, music, print.

Dads Say the Darndest Things

This fall CBS will air a new show based on the popular Twitter feed Shit My Dad Says, or @shitmydadsays for those of you who are no longer comfortable with capitals and spaces. The sitcom stars William Shatner, who’s really running with this career renaissance thing, and would be the ideal vehicle for lines like…

“They’re offended? Fuck, shit, asshole, shitfuck; they’re just words…Fine. Shitfuck isn’t a word, but you get my point.”

…if only you could say things like that on CBS. To keep it family-friendly — and contrary to Shatner’s opinion — the show is called $#*! My Dad Says, where $#*! is pronounced “bleep.” (Related: Does anyone know how to say Dance Your A** Off? I’ve never had to, but what if I do?)

Unfortunately for fans of Shatner and fathers without filters, the show looks borderline atrocious. They should have gone with Tourette’s Guy.

Don’t talk shit about Total. And fuck salt.

New Photoshop CS5 Must Be Powered by Magic Elves or Something

The new Photoshop scares me.  Adobe Photoshop CS5, out this week, includes an eerily easy and accurate “content aware fill” feature. That basically means that if you want to touch up or remove something from a picture, the program looks around the image and intelligently fills in the empty space with fabricated content to match. Not just little holes, neither. It can fill huge swaths of the image with stuff it just makes up on the spot. Like that. It’s freaky:

On the one hand, the Photoshop moron in me loves how easy this is. But of course the photographer and all-around hater in me sees this as a terrifying precedent. Will we be able to believe anything we see anymore? And what about integrity in the craft? When I first learned darkroom techniques (in a high school darkroom next to and completely dissociated from the computer & Photoshop class) I was taught to respect printing full-frame, which means not zooming in on “the good part” and cutting off the “bad parts,” but taking photos that start out good across all 35 mm. Nowadays it’s like it doesn’t even matter what’s in the photo in the first place — just Photoshop it. It makes me sad. And angry, since I hang onto this antiquated view of taking and making pictures and my work turns out looking shittier than everyone else’s.

What is “the craft” anymore, though, really? Thinking of Photoshop as a different art than Photography makes me more comfortable with the evolution of digital photo manipulation. Helps me embrace the awesome accomplishments of CS5. But the distinction between Photography and Photoshopping is so blurry that separating them feels futile and idealistic. I’m sure there’s a tool in CS5 for that.

A Comment on the Pixels Post

When I titled my last post I was aware of the Pixels video’s tremendously quick web saturation — I mean, that thing was all over geek and civilian sites in, like, seconds. I also noted (parenthetically) that the filmmaker’s name did not appear on the website of the production house he was e-rumored to belong to. Well, by the end of Friday my inclinations proved intuitively on-target: pirate versions of the video abounded, along with rampant false information on the auteur’s affiliation. I received an email from the studio responsible for Pixels asking me to correct any inaccurate information here. Of course I did so, and then wished them luck taming the rest of the internet.

It was a vivid microcosmic example of what happens — or at least could happen — on the web every day. The speed of information and the widespread lack of accountability, not to mention the commonly-occurring conflict between getting it early and getting it right, makes it way too easy to transform a flippant remark or malicious misinformation into a virtually unstoppable digital zeitgeist. For my part in this instance, I wrestled with some cognitive dissonance as a writer trying to keep up with the informational tide who also nurses a once-a-fact-checker-always-a-fact-checker’s discomfort with unverified information. In the end I compromised, deciding that the issue at hand — right studio/wrong studio — wasn’t such a big deal if I fucked it up and opting for timeliness with a weak disclaimer. The fact that I wavered at all, and whether or not others did, is immaterial; bad news travels as fast as good news and wrong news, and we’re the ones who set all of it in motion. We, meaning anyone who writes on the web, meaning basically anyone.

So if this is some sort of Internet parable, then what’s the lesson? Ideally: that people ought to take extra time and attention to minimize the trafficking of false or inaccurate material on the web. Realistically: This is the way things are and they’re not likely to change, so always remember to have some salt with your surfing.

Patrick Jean’s Pixels Takes Over the Internet — I mean, New York [EDITED]

It’s Friday and to keep things simple I’m just going to say: Watch this.


(OFFICIAL VIDEO)

I particularly like that the description of the video in various bootleg copies on YouTube says that it was shot on location in NYC. Yes, that was why the observation deck at the Empire State Building was closed for two days last month: Donkey Kong was shooting a scene up there.

The director, Patrick Jean, is associated with (though not on the website of), French production studio One More Production. Division, which has made videos for Beck, Grizzly Bear, Architecture in Helsinki and the inexplicably buzzy XX. Do check out the site if you’d like to see a hypnotic animation of a naked chick queefing diamonds. That oughta ride ya right into the weekend.

Update: Should have gone with my gut. Patrick Jean did not make the film for Division, One More staffers tell me, which explains his conspicuous absence from the former’s site, as I’d originally noted. That said, the rest of the out-stricken text is still true, including most importantly the video featuring a jewel queef.

South Park Downgrades Facebook

Two weeks ago I painted a picture of Facebook as a friendship stock market. Last night on the newest South Park, Trey Parker and Matt Stone painted Cartman as social networking’s Jim Cramer. Gold.

jkl
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jk

Naturally, I identify with Stan, the episode’s central character, as his friends and family coerce him into joining Facebook, which promptly adulterates every real-world relationship he has and eventually sucks him in completely (and literally). I feel that his experience, albeit animated, is example enough to buttress my nonjoiner resolve. Oh, and PS, South Park thinks your farm is dumb, too. Just sayin.

Stuck on Tapes

Score.

In a bit of news that warms my analog heart, Engadget today reports that VHS sales (in the UK) doubled in 2009:

According to a report by [the UK]’s Entertainment Retailers’ Association (ERA), while music sales dropped by 0.8 percent in 2009 (the lowest decrease in five years) and all other video fell by by 10.6 percent, VHS sales more than doubled, from 44,377 in 2008 to 95,201 last year. Of course, everything is relative — while PC games, for instance, declined nearly 25% last year, some 6.4 million titles were sold.

Sure, the numbers are paltry next to, well, just about any other type of media, but the trend makes sense to me. Here’s my completely unscientific take. I don’t think that it’s the cache of the antiquated medium, the way wannabe audiophiles buy records as status symbols. Really, there’s no precedent for VHS tapes being “cool.” What there is precedent for is them being cheap as hell. For instance, I just picked up The Blob, Cronenberg’s Shivers (produced by Ivan Reitman) and Rooftops (1989) for a buck apiece at a gas station-slash-Quiznos-slash-minimart-slash-collaborative-antique-store in Ohio. Don’t know Rooftops? Me neither, but I’m pretty psyched. From the cover:

Jason Gedrick stars as T, a misunderstood loner who has escaped the heartless, drug-ridden streets of New York’s Lower East Side to make a life for himself on the roof-tops of abandoned tenement buildings. T and the other homeless kids live by their wits during the day and “combat dance” every night at an empty lot they call the “Garden of Eden.”

Truth be told, I probably wouldn’t have bought any of these on DVD because they would have been too expensive to justify the purchase. But I’ve got a working VHS player so that I haven’t had to replace my awesome tape collection, and so that I can continue to grow it on the cheap. So there’s my proof. Poor folks like me in the market for pre-21st Century cinema, might just keep the VHS trade going for a while. VHS. QED.

It’s Cool to Know Other People Think about This Stuff, Too

Anyone who’s a fan of NBC’s Thursday night line up has likely noticed that while The Office might have jumped the shark when it let Pam and Jim get together and tried to give the former “depth,” newcomers Community and Amy Poehler’s Parks and Recreation have significantly stepped it up after faltering first seasons. (Naturally, 30 Rock is still gold. Just gold.)

Community has really grown on me. Joel McHale, E!’s cute and witty nearly-Talk-Soup host, does a great job in the lead role. And Ken Jeong — remember the crazy naked Chinese guy from The Hangover? — has hit his stride as the quasi-evil Señor Chang. And of course, there’s Chevy Chase, who’s almost being written to adequately. But it’s probably pop-culture obsessed Abed, played by Danni Pudi, who gets me the most. At the end of each episode, he and Troy (Donald Glover) close up the show with 30 seconds of bizarre but understated hilarity that makes it seem like they’ve been a comedy team for years, though I can find no evidence that they have.

This one killed me. It combines three of my favorite things: Batman, candy and talking about candy. Hard to beat that. Enjoy.

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Lost Boy: And then there was one (Corey, that is)

When I first heard the news about Corey Haim’s passing, my thought was I’ve got to post that video he made. But I didn’t. It seemed in bad taste. Upon a couple hours’ worth of reflection, however, I’ve changed my attitude: The taste might be bad, but it’s too good not to share. Behold Me, Myself and I, from 1989.

I will admit that I got a pang of guilt and sadness when Haim says he hopes in ten years to be watching dolphins from his mansion in Tahiti (he wasn’t). But between the dramatic pumping-up of the alligator float, the new Japanese Pop Funk demonstrations beginning around minute 3 — you know, that “funky hip pop jam thing” — the modeling and the earnest ramblings (professional goal: to go from being the younger brother to the older brother, or the only brother), the bad feelings just sort of melt away.

Rest in peace, The Cute Corey.

Keeping it Clean on TNT: Die Hard, Try Harder

My favorite thing about a lazy Sunday is watching movies on basic cable. And my favorite thing about watching movies on basic cable is the overdubbing. Yesterday (like so many Sundays before it) the afternoon was inscribed by the first two Die Hards consecutively, punctuated, naturally, by a truncated “yippee ki yay, mother fucker.”

But it wasn’t until partway through Die Hard 2, in a control tower showdown between Bruce Willis and Dennis Franz that I got an earful of perhaps the worst, and therefore most entertaining, overdub I’ve ever had the pleasure to behold. Please pardon the budget recording and enjoy:

I mean, really, could they have found anyone that sounds less like John McClane? They might as well have had a woman do it. I guess when you’re trying to pull off changing “fat ass” to “fat feet” (is that what he says there? sounds like “fat geek”) it hardly matters who’s doing the VO.

Seriously, I can’t stop watching this.

Tufts YouTube Admissions Essays Total (Up)Load of Shit

This is on Tufts' undergrad admissions page. Who's jerking whom around here? Becoming a Jumbo is one giant Elephant Walk.

When I was in high school, the Brown University application included an essay that you had to write by hand. I thought it was stupid, but I also thought the college might accept me, so I went along with it. Later I heard about a girl who wrote her essay in a spiral that filled the page from the center out. I never would have thought of that. I realized that, no, I guess I wasn’t Brown material.

But I was Tufts material, which, I found out when I got there, didn’t really mean… anything. The school was liberal, but not lock-yourself-in-the-campus-center liberal. There was a conservative journal, too, though any association therewith was vilifying. It had artsy students, but they had their own house (I mean, “haus”), and enginerds and even a couple frats and sororities (shudder to think). And it boasted a degree of diversity, enrolling students from both the North and South shores of Long Island. It certainly never felt particularly progressive. (I heard Brown doesn’t even give grades!)

But according to the New York Times, Tufts is a beacon of collegiate innovation:

It is reading season at the Tufts University admissions office, time to plow through thousands of essays and transcripts and recommendations — and this year, for the first time, short YouTube videos that students could post to supplement their application.

About 1,000 of the 15,000 applicants submitted videos. Some have gotten thousands of hits on YouTube.

Tufts, which, like the University of Chicago, is known for its quirky applications, invited the YouTube videos. Along with the required essays, Tufts has for years offered applicants an array of optional essays — “Are we alone?” is one of this year’s topics — or a chance to “create something” out of a sheet of paper. So it was not too far a stretch, this year, to add the option of posting a one-minute video that “says something about you.”

Known for its quirky applications? I missed that one. I only applied to Tufts because it was on the common app. Digital video? I think not. Photocopy? Yes, ma’am.

You can scroll through some of the videos here. I’m fairly impressed by the stop motion stuff, but the rest of it makes me feel uncomfortable. There’s little more unsettling than teenage earnestness. If these YouTube applications are an indication of what to expect for the future of Tufts, I think it can be summed up in four words: Hebrew hip hop raves.

[Thanks, Jess]