Being of a sophisticated and inquisitive nature, I decided today to Google search for “Butt.” As I finished the word the typical list of suggestions appeared:
But then, when I hit the spacebar, they all vanished. I tried again. And again, the same thing. No-space gave me butterfly tattoos and buttons. Space gave me bupkis. I wondered, “Is Google trying to tell me something?” I was no longer seeking mere search results; I was seeking answers. So I did what anyone would do. I typed in “Ass.”
Posted in Google Game
Tagged ass, boobs, butt, Dick Cheney, google, google search, google suggest, vagina
In a pun-soaked teaser to an update on the Serena Williams debacle from over the weekend, CNN’s Kyra Phillips just said:
Tennis superstar shows contempt of court. Now Serena Williams is going to have to pay for her verbal volley. Was she over the line?
I know how tempting it can be. I could pun the pants right off ya. But really, show a little restraint.
Maybe this would be a good time to review some basic writing rules. This list, in various forms, has made the writer rounds for years; certainly any journalist has been read the liturgy once or twice. Here’s a good version of it:
1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They’re old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. No sentence fragments.
10. Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.
11. One should never generalise.
12. Don’t use no double negatives.
13. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
14. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
15. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
16. Kill all exclamation marks!!!
17. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
18. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.
19. Puns are for children, not for groan people.
20. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Note, the Unhappy Mediator is a dedicated subscriber to usage rules — but also believes that (pardon the cliche (pardon the cliche)) rules are made to be broken. That is, when I’m doing the breaking.
Better question this morning might be: what’s in a Hippo?
Aphrodite, as it turns out.
I know it’s silly, but I just couldn’t help but laugh at this headline from one of my favorite nerd-pubs, Eureakalert science newswire:
Figurines of Aphrodite from the era of the Roman Empire discovered in Hippos
In Hippos!
I don’t even really care where Hippos is, or why this is news. I just want to picture the grinning ‘potamuses/’potami and wonder how the intrepid discoverers got in there in the first place.
Quick check-in on Microsoft’s latest marketing efforts. While “cute kids” typically send me running in the other direction, this one is working for me.
I mean, child’s into unicorns and Europe, and I can relate to that.
I am reponkysliv to this commercial.
Posted in Shoot the Messenger
Tagged europe, final countdown, kitten, microsoft, tv commercials, unicorns, windows 7
I’ll begin on the assumption that it’s clear to most sentient members of society — whose hearts aren’t constantly bleeding — that our national fixation on politically correct language got out of hand ages ago. And I’ll up the ante by suggesting that tiptoeing through verbal minefields lest you offend our dainty embrace of everyone else’s otherness is usually a complete waste of effort, and in some cases a gross underscoring of our most abhorrent prejudiced inclinations.
Respect me.
Agree with me or don’t on the points above, but there’s no question we’ve gone too far when we bestow PC niceties on our canine wards.
I saw a commercial for this product BackYard Buddy, an astroturf-topped litter box for dogs. As with your standard prime time infomercial-style ad, this one painstakingly lists all the problems a $30 piss box will solve, and the numerous reasons you need one. One of those reasons is that it’s great for SPECIAL NEEDS dogs. Not kidding. Take a look for yourself:
Um, that bitch got fixed, it’s not “special needs.” And if it were you’d be perfectly justified in saying the damn thing’s retarded. Ditto for that “mature” dog sniffing urine in the other photo. It’s old. Not mature. Not aged or elderly or advanced in years. Old. Just say it, geez.
What'd you call me?
Thank god for dogs that they are at once dumb enough not to know what you’re calling them and smart enough not to care.
Now we sit back and wait for the days when ACLU starts a K-9 division, we have to stop commanding our dogs to “come” and Al Sharpton forces us to think up an acceptable name for the Black and Tan Coonhound.
Posted in Shoot the Messenger
Tagged aclu, al sharpton, backyard buddy, black and tan coonhound, pc, special needs, urine
What do you get when you put Al Gore, Tim Geithner and Matt Damon together? The obvious answer: The makings of a killer “are in an airplane with one parachute” joke.
The real answer: One third of the roster of illustrious individuals subjected to open questioning by Internetters as part of Digg.com’s year-old Dialogg series. Also on the list are the Governator, Richard Branson, Trent Reznor and Nancy Pelosi.
Saw this amusing post from foodstuff blog Eat Me Daily. It takes a quick but critical look at a new Bud Light Lime commercial that boasts about as much good taste as, well, a Bud Light Lime.
Quoth the blog:
Nothing like innuendo about anal sex to sell some canned light beer flavored with lime. AdAge called it “juvenile,” but that’s sort of the point. It’s attention-getting for sure, but the joke, repeated over and over, gets old quick.
Good start, but the commentary is missing some bigger, vital questions. For instance: Are we to believe that the first chick, that slut by the pool, just got it in the can for the first time? Bullshit. You can see it in her eyes: she tells ’em all she’s “never done this before.” It makes them feel special.
I pity the two dudes at the end. They clearly have a lot of issues to deal with. The guy in the suit, the one waiting for his court appearance, needs to work through the anger. I give him another year and a half before he cracks. And when he does, my money’s on Mr. Button Down going Super Queen. Meanwhile, bro on the golf course was probably equally steeped in shame after Hell Week at the frat his Freshman year.
Now, stepping back and taking a look at the ad with full knowledge that it’s for an alcoholic beverage, can we talk about the woman getting out of the shower? Notice the light pouring in the window behind her. It’s 8 in the morning, lady. Get help.
Finally, I’d like to point out that the blog that says the commercial’s central joke “repeated over and over, gets old quick” is called Eat Me Daily.
Posted in Shoot the Messenger
Tagged alcoholism, anal sex, bud light lime, get it in the can, repressed homosexuality, tv commercials
For about the cost of an evening of pints you can, for the first time, bring home the popular bar game Big Buck Hunter. Released this month by Jakks Pacific ($40), Big Buck Hunter Pro home edition is a simple plug and play for your TV. (That means you don’t need a game system – just those yellow and white holes in your set.) No question that the game is manufactured by a toy company, but that doesn’t mean you can’t play it with a bunch of your grown up friends and a six-pack apiece. In fact, I recommend a six-pack apiece, to blur the sights on the game’s fundamental drawbacks.
Posted in The Reluctant Technologist
Tagged big buck hunter pro home, cow patties, gophers, jakks pacific
Forget the nameless, faceless error messages of yore. Today’s Internet has a personality — and it’s cool. This morning, my sister ran into a minor snafu with the aw-shucksily contrite Mozilla Firefox…
…while I received a note from Gmail above my inbox that started “Hey! This is important.” And honestly, I would not have read it had it not contained such a preface. I think that if my life were a sitcom, my webmail would be the witty, sarcastic next door neighbor. Gmail is my Chandler.
Update, Sept 30, 2009:
Not to be outdone in cleverness and adorability, my blog host, WordPress, recently served up this quippy gem:
Posted in Information Stupor Highway
Tagged chandler bing, gmail, mozilla firefox, personality
The TED talks website is one of those rare, shining examples of the veritable good the Internet can bring: Intelligent — and quick — speeches, from intelligent — and often quick-witted — people. Definitely take some time to mouse around it if you’re unfamiliar (or re-check it out if you’ve been there before). Boing Boing posted this brilliant spreadsheet put up by the ubergeeks at Economists Do It with Models. Sortable by date, conference, or speaker’s first name, what it lacks in aesthetics it more than compensates for in elegant organization of hours upon hours of eminently worthwhile commentary on science, technology, entertainment and more. (The site itself sorts talks by topic as well as by most jaw-dropping, persuasive, ingenious, beautiful, funny….)
Take some time to browse the spreadsheet. You might be inspired to dive into one of the talks — and you’ll look like you’re doing work in the meantime.
Posted in Information Stupor Highway
Tagged boing boing, economists do it with models, ted.org, videos
No Happy Medium 