Monthly Archives: December 2009

Philly Wants to Take You Out (And Pet You. Or Kill You. Or Both.)

Posted on Wednesday December 9, 2009 | Leave a comment

If your handwriting says a lot about you, then what does this choice of font on GoPhila.com, the official visitors’ site for the greater Philadelphia area, say about the City of Brotherly Love?

Well, since we know the city was founded a few centuries ago, it’s safe to say this is not the chicken scratch of a child. Thus, it remains to be reasoned that Philadelphia is

a. “special”

or

b. psychotic, and possibly dangerous.

Neither bodes well for your winter vacation. If Philly ever tries to stroke your shiny hair, don’t let it.

[Thanks, Terry]

Leave a comment

Posted in Information Stupor Highway, Write and Wrong

Tagged , , ,

Google Game: Reader Appreciation

Posted on Tuesday December 8, 2009 | Leave a comment

Thanks to readers who have sent in their own Google Suggest suggestions. Here are a few searches that have caught the eyes of Unhappy Friends.

From Hilla P., Los Angeles, CA:

These results can be pretty neatly divided into 4 categories:

1. Health + hygiene (poop, hair, exercise)

2. Pet care (bathing the dog)

3. Car maintenance (lube, tires)

4. Financial distress (bankruptcy, donating blood)

Continue reading →

Leave a comment

Posted in Google Game

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Bearded Moms Trade Rap Sheets for Diplomas

Posted on Monday December 7, 2009 | 1 comment

While we’re on the subject of discomfiting banner ads for Obama-backed funding…

For starters: your mom’s a dude. And she’s got a kickin’ beard. Also, she’s a felon and her mug shot is circulating on the internet.  Oh, and she makes more money than you do.

1 Comment

Posted in Information Stupor Highway, Shoot the Messenger

Tagged , ,

Jesus Saves (on Car Insurance)!

Posted on Monday December 7, 2009 | 1 comment

Click to enlarge, see ad at right:

Actually, I was wondering how a guy like you turns water into wine and heals lepers, but sure, I guess saving money on car insurance is kind of impressive. Give a man a lower premium and feed him for a day, but teach a man to fill out short forms…

[Thanks, Paul. “You’re Jesus. You deserve it.”]

1 Comment

Posted in Information Stupor Highway, Shoot the Messenger

Tagged , , , ,

Must-Read Email for Flaccid PhDs

Posted on Monday December 7, 2009 | 2 comments

Be gentle.

Over the years I’ve received my fair share of ill-targeted spam emails hawking miracle boner tonics. (I don’t possess such apparatus. And if I did, well, it would work, namsayin?) But this one, sent to the Unhappy Mediator’s civilian alter-ego is hilariously apropos:

From: <gueyajcr@stellamccartney.com>
To: gattoitalia
Sent: Sat, December 5, 2009 5:14:49 PM
Subject: Equipment for Don Juans

about graduated cylinder inside particle accelerator slyly uxorious
stalactites ball bearing
GrandImpotencyPillsLowPricess.
and starlets

Nothing gets this Don Juan turned on like talk of lab bench accoutrement, particle acceleration and geology.

2 Comments

Posted in Information Stupor Highway, Write and Wrong

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Best. Sentence. Ever.

Posted on Saturday December 5, 2009 | Leave a comment

To the AP’s credit, the lead headline writer got food poisoning in Rome once and it totally ruined his vacation.

When I murder someone, I’m gonna pull for 25-to-life in Thailand.

Leave a comment

Posted in Unhappy Media, Write and Wrong

Tagged , , ,

FLA Gov Charlie Crist Writes a Prescription for Phone Sex

Posted on Friday December 4, 2009 | 1 comment

...and has little David had his flu shot?

This is why land lines should be obsolete:

Gov. Charlie Crist made a recording for parents who are put on hold when they call KidCare for information about the health insurance program.

“You can apply at http://www.flkidcare.org or by calling (number),” the recording says.

But the number the governor gave had nothing to do with KidCare. It sent callers to another number, which eventually sent them to a recording that says, “Hey there, sexy guy, welcome to an exciting new way to go live one on one with hot (expletive) girls waiting right now to talk to you,” reports News4Jax.com.

The governor’s office said callers have been hearing the wrong number for at least two months.

“He read it right, the script was wrong,” said Sterling Ivey, a spokesman for Crist, in a phone interview.

[via Sun Sentinel]

1 Comment

Posted in Unhappy Media

Tagged , ,

High End Real Estate Market Goes Down

Posted on Friday December 4, 2009 | Leave a comment

This beautiful NoLita condo includes a roof deck, washer/dryer, 1.5 baths and provides easy access to the downtown area if you catch the broker’s drift:

Conveniently located abutting Satan’s Alley between the the up-and-coming REgion of Cooper To Upper Mulberry and Corridor UNder Third neighborhoods.

Leave a comment

Posted in Write and Wrong

Tagged , , , ,

Robot Salt and Pepper Shakers Bring in the Season(ing)

Posted on Thursday December 3, 2009 | 1 comment

Add these wind-up robot salt and pepper shakers to my Festivus wish list. They’re robots and toys and food-related all at the same time. I’m in love.

Unfortunately, at 20 Euro/$30 from Britain’s Suck UK I could barely justify the price tag, without additional shipping. Maybe they could just wind ’em up real good for me and point ’em West?

[via Gizmodo]

1 Comment

Posted in Gadgeteering

Tagged , , ,

Dating Advice from Broadview Security: DON’T!

Posted on Wednesday December 2, 2009 | 6 comments

More bad news for the single ladies, courtesy Broadview (née Brinks) home security: Dating will get you raped and killed. Fortunately for just $99 you can get a home security system to protect you from the predatory attacks you’re asking for by wearing that. For extra safety, try these three tips from the company’s TV campaign.

1. Don’t go on a first date:

2. Don’t ever break up with anyone:

3. In fact, don’t even talk to men:

6 Comments

Posted in Shoot the Messenger

Tagged , , , ,