No Happy Medium

Must-Read Email for Flaccid PhDs

Posted on Monday December 7, 2009 | 2 comments

Be gentle.

Over the years I’ve received my fair share of ill-targeted spam emails hawking miracle boner tonics. (I don’t possess such apparatus. And if I did, well, it would work, namsayin?) But this one, sent to the Unhappy Mediator’s civilian alter-ego is hilariously apropos:

From: <gueyajcr@stellamccartney.com>
To: gattoitalia
Sent: Sat, December 5, 2009 5:14:49 PM
Subject: Equipment for Don Juans

about graduated cylinder inside particle accelerator slyly uxorious
stalactites ball bearing
GrandImpotencyPillsLowPricess.
and starlets

Nothing gets this Don Juan turned on like talk of lab bench accoutrement, particle acceleration and geology.

2 Comments

Posted in Information Stupor Highway, Write and Wrong

Tagged ball bearing, don juan, email, graduated cylinder, impotency, particle accelerator, spam, stalactites

Best. Sentence. Ever.

Posted on Saturday December 5, 2009 | Leave a comment

To the AP’s credit, the lead headline writer got food poisoning in Rome once and it totally ruined his vacation.

When I murder someone, I’m gonna pull for 25-to-life in Thailand.

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Posted in Unhappy Media, Write and Wrong

Tagged amanda knox, headline, murder, sentence

FLA Gov Charlie Crist Writes a Prescription for Phone Sex

Posted on Friday December 4, 2009 | 1 comment

...and has little David had his flu shot?

This is why land lines should be obsolete:

Gov. Charlie Crist made a recording for parents who are put on hold when they call KidCare for information about the health insurance program.

“You can apply at http://www.flkidcare.org or by calling (number),” the recording says.

But the number the governor gave had nothing to do with KidCare. It sent callers to another number, which eventually sent them to a recording that says, “Hey there, sexy guy, welcome to an exciting new way to go live one on one with hot (expletive) girls waiting right now to talk to you,” reports News4Jax.com.

The governor’s office said callers have been hearing the wrong number for at least two months.

“He read it right, the script was wrong,” said Sterling Ivey, a spokesman for Crist, in a phone interview.

[via Sun Sentinel]

1 Comment

Posted in Unhappy Media

Tagged charlie crist, kidcare, phone sex

High End Real Estate Market Goes Down

Posted on Friday December 4, 2009 | Leave a comment

This beautiful NoLita condo includes a roof deck, washer/dryer, 1.5 baths and provides easy access to the downtown area if you catch the broker’s drift:

Conveniently located abutting Satan’s Alley between the the up-and-coming REgion of Cooper To Upper Mulberry and Corridor UNder Third neighborhoods.

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Posted in Write and Wrong

Tagged condo, homophones, nolita, real estate, satan's alley

Robot Salt and Pepper Shakers Bring in the Season(ing)

Posted on Thursday December 3, 2009 | 1 comment

Add these wind-up robot salt and pepper shakers to my Festivus wish list. They’re robots and toys and food-related all at the same time. I’m in love.

Unfortunately, at 20 Euro/$30 from Britain’s Suck UK I could barely justify the price tag, without additional shipping. Maybe they could just wind ’em up real good for me and point ’em West?

[via Gizmodo]

1 Comment

Posted in Gadgeteering

Tagged festivus, robots, salt and pepper shakers, toys

Dating Advice from Broadview Security: DON’T!

Posted on Wednesday December 2, 2009 | 6 comments

More bad news for the single ladies, courtesy Broadview (née Brinks) home security: Dating will get you raped and killed. Fortunately for just $99 you can get a home security system to protect you from the predatory attacks you’re asking for by wearing that. For extra safety, try these three tips from the company’s TV campaign.

1. Don’t go on a first date:

2. Don’t ever break up with anyone:

3. In fact, don’t even talk to men:

6 Comments

Posted in Shoot the Messenger

Tagged brinks, broadview security, dating, rape, tv commercials

Google Game: Single People

Posted on Tuesday December 1, 2009 | Leave a comment

I’ve been inundated of late with a lot of wedding hullabaloo. None of it mine, mind you, but don’t get me wrong, I’m not bitter. That’s not to say, though, that it hasn’t gotten me thinking. And where do I turn when I am feeling ponderous? To the Google, by George. And where did Google lead me when I asked it about single people? Where many others are going, apparently…

…resources about single people in the Bible.

I was led here to a list of a number of notable singles from the Good Book. To make it feel more relatable, I’ve taken some of the characters’ descriptions from the article and attempted to match them with their archetypal modern-day counterparts. Maybe you’ll see a little bit of yourself in one of these biblical bachelors and spinsters of scripture.

Continue reading →

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Posted in Google Game

Tagged bible, jesus, single

A Designer Resignation

Posted on Monday November 30, 2009 | Leave a comment

If you’re going to quit today, may I suggest you do it thusly:

The artist behind the creation is a designer named Juan Carlos Pagan. Perhaps ’twas he who left this Dear John image on the desktop of his temporary work station. Or perhaps someone else copped Pagan’s Photoshop for his own dramatic departure. Either way, that’s some good stuff right there.

One day maybe I’ll have a job I can ditch with indignant impunity. Or any job. Or any computer skills. For now, simple, analog, and non-employed, I occasionally leave myself Post-Its that say, alternately, “I quit” and “you’re fired” — keeps me humble.

[via alltop]

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Posted in Unhappy Media

Tagged designer, photoshop, quit

Today’s TV Notables, from the Sublime to the Shore

Posted on Friday November 27, 2009 | Leave a comment

I’ve hated on Jimmy Fallon and his late night show before (and will again), but this bit is pure brilliance. Jimmy Fallon doing Neil Young doing the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song. An epic joke, expertly executed. A tip of the cap, sir.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

And speaking of hating: “If hating is your occupation, I’ve probably got a full time job for you.” Orientation starts December 3rd when the bros and hos of “Jersey Shore,” MTV’s newest serial Ipecac, make their primetime debut.

This is the true story… of 7 guidos named Tony (Toni if it’s a chick)… picked to live in a share… have their hair gelled and their tans faked… to see what happens… when people start drinking at noon… and stop having dignity.