Facebook Status Reveals Humanity’s Descent Down (Storm) Drain

Janey Collins is digitally debunking Darwinism

Janey Collins is digitally debunking Darwinism

A recent news story: Two Australian girls, ages 10 and 12, were lost in a storm drain. Rather than use their phones to call for help, they changed their facebook statuses. A friend saw the message and called emergency services.

You’d think I’d go off on the runaway oversaturation of facebook in daily life. No, I’m going to turn this on families, the original social network. You might not be able to control what your jittery tweens do online, but it’s still your responsibility to impart common sense lessons for the real world. Like how to dial 911, or 116 or whatever they have down there.

Open letter to parents: Do your fucking job, wouldja?

[via ABC News]

Google Game: Summer

Welcome back. Hope your long Labor Day weekend gave you a good amount of rest, and time to reflect on, uh, labor I guess. Shows what I know about national holidays.

The weather turns rapidly crisper and you’ve officially retired your skin-tight white jeans to the closet until next year, so I thought we’d join together in a longing glance at summer as it begins to slip away.

Continue reading

Onion Causes Tears in Bangladesh

“We’ve since learned that the fun site runs false and juicy reports based on a historic incident.” So went the spot-on encapsulation of the Onion‘s editorial mission, as summarized by Bangladesh’s Daily Manabzamin tabloid newspaper. The revelation was part of a correction for reprinting an Onion story that reported Neil Armstrong had been convinced the Moon landing was a hoax.

Indeed a sad moment in global journalism. Ironically, it sounds like an Onion headline itself:

Bangladeshi Tabloid Reprints False Story, Gives the
Onion Fleeting Sense of Credibility

My first reaction to the story (via BBC News) was a hearty “Oh, my.” Then it just became funny.

But overall, I’m going to go with troubling. Thing is, true journalism and entertainment have been colluding for a while — The Daily Show, naturally; Smoking Gun; blogs in general, etc. etc. — but as they become more and more dangerously intertwined we should be becoming more and more vigilant. And we’re not. Quick example: I’d like to think that the recent news that Wikipedia is going to control the editing of the bios of living notables is a sign that we’re beginning to embrace the notion of accountability. But more likely it’s just a result of some PR team raising a stink about embarrassing facts making it into their boss’s page, and making their lives hell. People want the scoop now and they’ll take the apologies later.

I guess the real takeaway here is: If you’re going to read Bangladeshi tabloids, do so with a critical eye.

I Am T-Pain, In Pain I Am

tpain_iphone_red

Jay-Z — erroneously — heralded the death of Aut0-Tune with DOA, but where was he on the death of hip hip on the hiz-ole? The press materials on this new T-Pain Auto-tune app for the iPhone, which uses his studio technology to turn your voice into that wavering, wobbly filtered shit you hear every time you turn on the radio, captures the problem pretty neatly:

only I Am T-Pain allows you to become that star you always wanted to be. Just sing into the mic and listen.

So what you’re saying is that it really is that easy: Just Auto-Tune that shit and you’ll sound like any other modern rap hack. Here, see it in action. Old folks, JAPs and any average white guy, instantaneously as good as T-Pain.

Maybe it sounds like I’m just being a hater. And, fine, maybe I am. But my hating is fueled by love. Love of a genre that’s getting auto-tuned down the freakin toilet.


What Your Emails Really Say

Gmail was, once upon a time, an invite-only cool kids’ club of early adopters. Today, it is unquestionably the standard for today’s 20- and 30-somethings: personal email for the professionals, and professional email for the pseudo-professionals/freelancers/artists/perennially-unemployed/web-trepreneurs. “Very late-twenties,” as my friend recently put it.

email clipart

But not so long ago there was no Gmail. There was Hotmail. And YahooMail. And before that AOL. Tracing the evolution is like looking at the rings of a tree, or geological strata. The earliest ancestors have died off: you shan’t be receiving anything from the fossils of Prodigy or Eudora. Still, the old guard is adapting, trying to keep up with the cutting edge in electronic letter-writing. Where you stand in the fray may represent as much about you as the clothes you wear, or whether you order hoagies, heroes or subs.

Continue reading

Morning Programming Challenge

As mentioned I just got a new computer. In the process of moving files over from my old one, I’ve uncovered things I’ve written and forgotten about, including this bit of code from a college intro comp sci class I don’t really remember taking. Anyone want to hazard a guess as to what it does?

#include <iostream>

#include <string>

#include <iomanip>

using namespace std;

void Puppy (string);       //prototypes

float Rug (float, float, float);

int main()

{

string name;

float num1, num2, price, prod;

cout.setf(ios::fixed | ios::showpoint);

//prompt for keyboard input

cout << “What is the name of your puppy? ” << endl;

getline ( cin, name );

Puppy (name);

cout << “What are the width and length of the damaged carpet (in feet)? ” << endl;

cin >> num1 >> num2;

cout << “What is the price per square foot of new carpeting? ” >> endl;

cin >> price;

Rug (num1, num2, price);

cout << “It will cost me $” << setprecision (2) << prod << ” to replace the carpet.  GRRR!” \

<< endl;

return 0;

}

void Puppy ()

{

getline ( cin, name );

cout <<  “My new puppy, ” << name << “, just chewed a large hole in the carpet!”  << endl <<\

“It looks like I will have to get a new one.” << endl << endl;

}

float Rug (float num1, float num2, float price)

{

float prod;

prod = num1 * num2 * price;

return prod;

}

Also found some homework that included the word “floppies.”

{ins << wistful sigh >>}

2003: Officially the Good Ol’ Days

Just purchased a spiffy new Lenovo ThinkPad, with which I also got Microsoft Office 2007. And to think, all I thought I was going to have to get used to was a new keyboard and more sensitive mouse. But no, Word’s gotta go and change everything up on me. Maybe y’all have had time to get used to this, but I haven’t, and I’m squirming with discomfort.

word

Look, Microsoft: Fuck you and your cutting edge Ribbon user interface. I’m pushing 30. That’s like 88 in digital years. I’m too damn old to relearn how to use Word. Give me back my 2003-vintage File and Edit menus and the delicate sense of control they once accorded me.

Get in the Cage

heart

For those Time Warner Cable customers with some free time and a hankering for the Cage, this one’s for you. Tune in to channel 700, HD OnDemand, for your choice of 19, that’s right, folks, 19 Nicolas Cage movies.

  1. Ant Bully
  2. City of Angels
  3. Con Air
  4. Face/Off
  5. Gone in 60 Seconds
  6. Kiss of Death
  7. Knowing
  8. Leaving Las Vegas
  9. Lord of War

    Buy this.

    Buy this.

  10. Matchstick Men
  11. Moonstruck
  12. National Treasure
  13. Racing with the Moon
  14. The Rock
  15. Valley Girl
  16. Vampire’s Kiss
  17. Wicker Man
  18. Windtalkers
  19. Wild at Heart

By “your choice” I obviously mean that it’s fully your choice in what order to watch them all. Incidentally, I’m sure they’ll put Ghost Rider on the list as soon as Ghost Rider 2 starts production. (It’s currently “in development.”) And if you’re craving a classic as I am, I believe you can find Raising Arizona on one of the pay on demand channels.

Google Game: Why is…

Well, it’s Tuesday, and time to take a look at our Google results.

google why is

An interesting mix, here. Let’s start at the top, shall we?

I think we can all relate to the first four, as we have each: Continue reading

Michael Jackson to Play Casino Showcases (w/ Garth Brooks and Other Special Guests)

Tell me that if you’re driving up I-84 and you see a billboard with these photos on it you’re not risking a major collision.

I’m not sure what’s the most disturbing. A concert — Legends in Concert, to be exact — that includes Bette Midler, Elton John and Gwen Stefani, the fact that at 65 mph it’s impossible to distinguish these impostors from the genuine articles, or that Michael Jackson is already performing his own memorial shows. Too soon, MJ.

I get why people go to tribute shows. You know what you’re getting. You like a certain artist, or entropic melange of disparate artists, but you can’t afford their shows, or they don’t come to your town, or they’re dead, so you head to the nearest casino for a night of covers. It does make sense. Still, do we really need these people to dress up and pretend they are the singers whose songs they’re singing? I know it’s a longstanding tradition and that many a man has made his career emulating the gyrations, sideburns and, depending on the era, jelly rolls of Elvis Presley, but isn’t there something inherently creepy about the whole thing? Frankly, it reeks of desperation. And cultural simplicity: You look and sound like Gwen Stefani, and that’s good enough for me! (ps, can we take a moment for the fact that there are Gwen Stefani impersonators?)

For my money, I’m going to wait til science gets reanimation up and running.