Thanks to the readers who found the site yesterday by searching “medium lesbians” and “am i an escort.”
I really hope I could help lead you toward some sense of reconciliation. These things can be so … nuanced.
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Whether or not you speak Spanish, you’ll understand the simple elegance of the product being presented in the video above. It’s a truly transcendent technology. Transplendent, even.
[Thanks, Kate.]
an open letter
Dear everyone else on the subway,
Your headphones suck. So does your taste in music, but that’s not the point. The point is that I shouldn’t know you listen to crap because I am a stranger. But I do know, because your headphones are garbage and in order for you to hear music at your desired audio strength, you have to crank your volume so goddam high that I can hear it on the other side of the goddam train car. Sometimes I can even hear your blasted techno mariachi over my own music.
It’s really bad for your hearing, you know, to listen to your music that loud all the time. Nor is it any good for society — like there isn’t enough grumbling animosity without your subjecting a closely contained cadre of commuters to your autotuned Top-40 and nü metal rubbish.
Here are a few ways you can help make this city a less miserable place to be at rush hour — and maybe save yourself some hearing loss and cred-damage in the process:
Tip 1: Press play and hold the speaker openings of your earbuds together. What you hear emanating from between them is roughly what I hear sitting across the car from you — and it’s why I keep glaring at you.
Tip 2: Steve Jobs isn’t god. Don’t use iPhone headphones. They’re better now? Sure. But still terrible. Upgrade that shit. Stat.
Tip 3: A little isolation goes a long way. You won’t need to turn up your jams so high if you can more effectively cut out background noise. Go for earbuds with some rubberiness to ’em that go a bit into the ear. If you’re really resistant to a new pair, or are a total cheapskate, try something like acoustibuds, which slip over the speaker heads and guide soundwaves more directly into your ear — so you can turn it down, for pete’s sake — and block them from escaping into the earholes of innocent bystanders.
Tip 4: Everyone on this train is judging you by your music. Just keep that in mind. Especially on the L.
Intelligent queries? Vital curiosity? I could weep.
I could also really go for some sweet potato fries. Or yam fries. Whatever. I don’t know the difference, either. Just put them in my face.
For the record, some answers I can pull off the top of my head:
Affect = verb
Effect = noun
Universities have graduate programs. (feel free to fact check me on that one)
LCD = liquid crystal display (think flat screens that cost less than plasmas)
LED = light emitting diode (efficient light sources)
Then = sequence
Than = comparison
Psychiatrists have MDs.
Yams and sweet potatoes are delicious.
House = Representatives by district
Senate = Two senators from each state
I could get deeper into the political minutiae, but really, what’s the difference?
Posted in Google Game
Tagged college, difference, Google Game, grammar, spelling, sweet potatoes
The Unhappy Mediator is really disappointed by our collective priorities.
Related: Facebook Status Reveals Humanity’s Descent Down (Storm) Drain
Posted in Gadgeteering, Shoot the Messenger
Tagged chevy, cruze, facebook, onstar, superbowl commercials, tv commercials
Simply put, this week’s game distills down to yet another example of our surprising collective values and concerns.
And may I suggest that if you’re wondering how much it costs to raise a child that you perhaps start with getting a cat? Also, I can’t help but wonder what it costs to declaw a child.
In this first edition of Character Assassination, allow me to present The State Farm Guy:
I don’t know what it is about him that makes me dislike him so. He’s just so… smarmy. He makes me squirm.
I know I’m not alone. Ask Google. Or the facebook. Meet I Hate The State Farm Guy, with over 2,500 friends:
(I’d steer clear of George Jungle. Yikes.)
I can’t decide whom I hate more, him or the esurance chick. But I fear my bitterness toward that pink haired floozy could be tinged with jealousy. My antipathy toward him is at least pure. What it is about insurance companies that their marketing campaigns are so likely to be divisive? Do you know anyone who’s moderate on Flo, the Progressive rep? I guess we wouldn’t pay attention to insurance commercials otherwise. Are admen that smart?
Posted in Shoot the Messenger
Tagged advertising, character assassination, esurance, insurance, state farm, tv commercials
Something for you.
Something for me.
Something for the football team?
Now what to make of this? A related search “How do I get my girlfriend to” turns up some similar, unsurprising and funny results. Among the ten: to let me go down on her, to kiss me, to respect me, to take me back — and my favorite: to break up with me. But for some reason, this permutation returns only three. And of those three, one is “how to ask my girlfriend to homecoming.”
Ah, high school, before we knew what the hell we were missing and age made a mess of things down there. When asking your best girl to the pep rally was the be-all, end-all. But wait. Homecoming? Shouldn’t it at least be, like, prom or something? I grew up in Manhattan; I just don’t get the whole homecoming thing. Our homecoming party was at a club where I got frisked so intently at the door I may have walked out of there technically not a virgin. I don’t remember any sports games, but I can only assume we lost, and I sure as heck don’t remember it being a big deal who you went with. Just who kept grabbing your ass and who you made out with in the bathroom.
Maybe I really missed out on something. Maybe there’s a bit of Grease and the Wonder Years still lingering in high school campuses despite the cynicism that modernity brings. A timeless awkward profundity immune to Silly Bands or BBM. Let homecoming anxiety remind us of a gentler age, when the little things were the biggest things, before we became the hairy, unsatisfied selves we are today. Then rip off that strip and get back to business — we’re not getting any younger.
Gag me.
Really, America? No Strings Attached took the top box office spot over the weekend? Really? I’ll have to chalk it up to the fact that there weren’t other openings last Friday, because the thought of a movie with such an insultingly thin plot line — and a lame title that must have taken all of two seconds to come up with — being the most popular in the country makes me want to hurl. And that’s completely independent of the standard effect Ashton Kutcher has on my upchuck reflex, or how tired I am of Natalie Portman. It’s just the only reaction I can muster upon reading that it took in $20.3 million. I know I shouldn’t be surprised. Or disappointed. But I can’t help it if sometimes my emotions get the best of me. Puking is an emotion, right?
In other entertainment news, this just in from Yahoo: “Bret Michaels is undergoing a procedure in Phoenix to close a hole in his heart.”
Medical emergency, or brilliant concept for the Rock of Love star’s next reality series? Either way, I hope the plug works.
Posted in Unhappy Media
Tagged ashton kutcher, box office, bret michaels, entertainment news, natalie portman, no strings attached, puke, rock of love
No Happy Medium 
The Peanut Gallery in Center Stage
Shakespeare said that life is a stage and we’re merely players. In today’s internetty world it’s still true to an extent, except that we’re all fools, online not onstage, and in the absence of adequate directorial control, the peanut gallery is the final word in our existential tragicomedy. Life is a screen and we’re
simultaneously chorus and reviewer. Indeed, commenter may as well be lead actor the way people pour themselves into the role. It’s a theatrical cottage industry, as evidenced by things like this page on Amazon that equates funny product reviews with, well, products. Products like the Daddle toy saddle, or the Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee, both of which feature lengthy, creative false testimonials that must have taken an awful long time to craft and which were posted anonymously for, well, god knows what reason. Though I wonder why one would bother (I know, ironic coming from a little-read pseudonymed blogger) I’m glad they do, because some of them are pretty witty.
Like flaklbas who put it simply: “The recipe is complicated. The health benefits make it well worth it though.”
Just click, simmer over medium heat, salt to taste and enjoy.
1 Comment
Posted in Information Stupor Highway
Tagged amazon, comments, food network, recipes, shakespeare